Good morning from Kampala, the kingdom city of His Excellency. Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between Uganda and Museveni, isn’t it?. Honestly, they sound and look the same. I won’t comment much, you know why. I’m writing right from his backyard here you know, lest I get thrown to the cells and commanded to support the no-age-limit motion that will allow him to rule until he dies-sorry, until his spirit leaves him and continue to rule over Ugandans in heaven. Or where do the souls of our African politicians go after they die? If at all they do die.
That aside, Uganda is one of the most beautiful countries you will ever visit. You can bet on that. The majestic shores of Lake Victoria, the unmatched hospitality of the Ugandan people, the unforgettable indigenous culture, and the amazing matoke meal are things you will never find anywhere else, not even in Mugabe of Mswati’s backyards. Greetings to those old friends of mine, their inspiration especially In relation to polygamy is outstanding. Ever tried out matoke, chavalagra, crushed groundnuts, and ginger tea made of hot water, ginger leaves, and sugar? You will never eat anything else. I mean it. No wonder Uganda is hosting the first ever African Youth Conference on Climate Change and UN-SDGs, ACOY. Environmentalists love local foods, and here we have it. Welcome to Uganda, the pearl of Africa. Write to firstname.lastname@example.org for an amazing experience in this wonderful country.
The day I traveled to this place was one of the most emotional days in my entire life. Leaving Skippy, my adorable cat, behind is not the easiest thing I can do. It is often a test of my faith and I don’t like it. Unfortunately I have to, not only because I have to represent Wild World Expeditions, but I want her to know a little about life-to miss me and to start preparing for the next life-marriage. This tendency of hers to ignore advances from potential mates should stop. Don’t let her know I said this, she will go for days without eating- but this cat will not live with me forever. She has to get married and bring me some grandcats to play with. Well, I’m not saying that she should start coming back home drunk and late in the night or join all those bad peers I see around. I’m only politely requesting her to understand that there comes a time when life is more than just applying make-up all day and slaying around. She can’t even do the dishes for fear of washing away her nail art. This kid. She needs to get a job-maybe chase some rats for my neighbors-who will pay me in turn. Kidding, I won’t let her suffer for anyone’s problems. Let rats dominate your house as much as they want but I won’t let my cat do the chasing. You know well she can’t eat rat, so why waste her little energy running around with them? She can equally look for a dude good at hustling-serves the same purpose. No no, she should actually earn her own money, maybe do manicure and pedicure for her wannabes in the hood. “Skippy’s Hair Salon for Upcoming Slay Queens”.
So recently she turned down a grey guy’s advances, right in front of me. Imagine! It was heartbreaking. As a man I could fully understand how the male cat felt. Being turned down by a hood’s slaying queen when you are in your best mood and suit isn’t the best thing to experience. The shocking bit was that the boy child had even the guts to approach our homestead. He came right to the door step. Such sacrifices. The struggles of a male child. So Skippy was sitting right there, listening to the pleas of the grey child, asking for her hand in an evening coffee out, not even in marriage. And after an hour of persuasions, all she could do is rub off some piece of dirt off her left fore leg-the little soil she got when the grey cat greeted her. Maybe this is what turned her off altogether. She simply can’t stand dirt, especially when it comes from interested parties. As the CEO of Skippy’s Hair Salon, she is right. Don’t you think so? After that she gave the dude a look that she usually gives people when saying “get a car, here are the directions to hell”.
I hope by the time I go back to Kenya she will have reconsidered her stand because I know the guy, dirty as he is, won’t give up on my daughter. I like his determination. When nature comes calling, it persists.
I will be sure to pick some matoke for her on my way out and maybe some perfume and a necklace. This kid loves beauty. She will jump up and down, dash to the grey dude and give him another look that says “Can you handle this?”
You know I can’t advice her on this, let her pursue her heart’s desires. I can only come in when she’s 27 and still in my house, single as ever. Something I’m very afraid of right now.
Enough with Skippy, a little gossip about Mike won’t hurt. In my previous article, I was detailing how my visit to his workplace to see Keletso went on. Apparently Keletso isn’t just your late 30s kind of a lady, she also has a taste. A taste for coffee and African delicacies. Mike says she can comfortably cook a meal enough for a platoon of soldiers on their hungriest day. A rare cooking talent that every man desires in any lady, not just old women. Definitely Mike did not marry a woman because of her cooking ability. So I still insisted on knowing why I settled on the yellow borne. His answer was simple and clear, coming from a mouthful of white coffee, “When nature comes calling”.
Well, as it is the norm with my boy team, we have to accept the reality, bite the bullet, face the bull by the horns, and accept Keletso as our in-law. The ceremony will be up this coming weekend. I hope she won’t forget and starts playing the mother role, commanding us to all go to bed by 9pm. I’m not even sure how to dress or what vibes to give to her-basically I don’t know how I will handle her during the event. I don’t even know whether to call her in-law, my lady, my lord, her majesty, madam, princes, mother, aunt, grandma to my cat, just not sure. Any suggestions? But I will go with Skippy, just to make her see how other women are faring on. Either way, Mike seems to have found love, what I don’t know is whether he will settle this time round. This is the millionth time we are formally introducing ourselves to a lady of his. Ugh, the struggle boys go through for their friends. Basically nature came calling, and Mike responded. I’m happy. Will it last? My comment section all for you, as usual.
I will inform you how the get-together will go, and let’s hope Keletso doesn’t get drunk and start drama. We just a group of young (read old but unmarried) guys who don’t know how to handle mature drama.
For now, let me listen to what the speaker of Uganda’s National Parliament is saying at this conference. Get photos on Instagram: @kevlunzalu and follow us on Twitter: @W_ExpeditionsKE